Someone lent me ‘The Jigsaw Man‘ by Paul Britton recently, the autobiography of a forensic psychologist who’s worked on a lot of high profile murders in the UK. It looks very interesting and well written, and I’d be reading it now if Wife of Monkey hadn’t snaffled it first.
It’s inevitable that one day I’m going to be approached to write my autobiog – I’m so awesome that it would be against the ECHR to deprive the world of my exciting exploits and enlightened musings. I’ll be happy to write it when that times comes, but I’m going to try my utmost to make sure that the back cover blurb is nice and lurid, like on many of books on the ‘crime non-fiction’ shelf. Here’s the back cover piece from Jigsaw Man:
Forensic psychologist Paul Britton asks himself four questions when he is faced with a crime: what has happened; who is the victim; how was it done; and why? Only when he has the answers to these questions can he address the fifth: who is responsible?Paul Britton has assisted the police in over a hundred cases and has an almost mythic status in the field of crime deduction. His achievements read as though from the pages of Conan Doyle or Agatha Christie. What he searches for at the scene of the crime are not fingerprints, fibres or bloodstains – he looks for the ‘mind trace’ left behind by those responsible: the psychological characteristics that can help the police to identify and understand the nature of the perpetrator.The Jigsaw Man is not only a detective story involving some of the most high-profile cases of recent years, but also a journey of discovery into the darkest recesses of the human mind to confront the question ‘Where does crime come from?’
And here’s the blurb that I’m planning for mine:
Forensic computer analyst Happy Monkey asks himself four questions when he is faced with a crime: is it time for lunch; why isn’t his workstation seeing his Lacie; why can’t these perverts exercise a bit of impulse control; and why has someone put bloody digestives in the biscuit tin again? Only when he has the answers to these questions can he address the fifth: are you sure it’s not time for lunch?
Happy Monkey has assisted the police in over a million cases and has an absolutely mythic status in the field of in-joke niche blogging. His achievements read as though from the pages of Terry Pratchett or Jackie Collins. What he searches for at the scene of the crime are not fingerprints, fibres or bloodstains – he looks for the ‘geek trace’ left behind by those too lazy or ignorant to clean up after themselves.
This book is a journey of discovery into the darkest recesses of the human mind to confront the question, “Are you absolutely sure it’s not lunchtime, because it feeels like bloody ages since breakfast?”.
I anticipate that this book will be a massive bestseller and generate a lot of interest from Hollywood, leading to a massive Summer blockbuster movie starring Johnny Depp as me with Rachel Weisz as the love interest. There will be plenty of explosions, killer robots and, unusually for a movie, the forensics will be real – none of that ‘enhance the grainy CCTV image, zoom in on the reflection off the eyeball, spin it on the Z-axis and reveal who was on the grassy knoll’ crap (Red Dwarf did it perfectly), or hard drives being imaged in two minutes while a security guard plods up the corridor.
In Happy Monkey – The Movie there will be long shots of Depp sitting with bad posture at a computer, mooching through NTUSER.dats in restore points. There will be epic office elastic band fights, to put the Lord of the Rings ‘Battle of Ballbag Gate’ to shame. There will be edge-of-the-seat excitement as Encase teeters on a precipice, trying to refresh a keyword search for the word ‘the’ that the defence demanded. The victim scenes from ‘Se7en’ will pale into insignificance beside the opening sequence at a search warrant in a paedo’s house, where we see the consequences of a degenerate life where personal hygiene has no meaning. You want dustballs the size of cats and mouldering tins of dog food? We got ’em, and we’ll deliver them to you in 3D and smell-o-vision. This is a time for heroes, and I’m a hero for the times..
This post was brought to you with the help of a barely drinkable Pinotage, a few almonds and Pulp, The Meteors, Amy Winehouse (still a fantastic artiste despite the crack habit and ASBOs), Alabama 3, Gogol Bordello (‘Mishto‘ is going to be the closing credits music for Happy Monkey – The Movie), Elvis Costello, Rolling Stones and Joe Strummer and the Mescaleros.