Alternative Forensic Awards

Posted on April 5, 2012


You wanted a Monkey…and for your sins, I gave you one.

It’s not that I haven’t wanted to write more blog posts, it really isn’t. Ideas come to me, then fade. Sometimes I wonder if I should do some actual forensic posts, but then as soon as I’ve finished doing something new or interesting I get bogged down in the next thing and it’s no longer new or interesting. Meh, whatevs. Excuses.

This week though I read a one-year bloggiversary post from the fragrant Girl, Unallocated in which she paid very touching tribute to several forensic wibblers, me amongst them. A shameless attention-whore to the last, I decided to brush off my blogging trousers, get the absinthe down from the shelf and have another stab at writing tenuously forensic-related snark for people to read. I’m not saying there’ll be more, but I kinda hope there will.

For the last couple of years Spring has been the season for the ‘Forensic 4cast Awards‘, where people can vote for worthy categories like ‘Digital Forensic Article of the Year’, ‘Digital Forensic Book of the Year’, ‘Forensic Block-Vote of the Year’ (only kidding, Lee – love ya lots!). You get the idea. It’s awards and it’s forensic. Forensic awards. Now, it’s good to recognise the good work that’s done in our cosy community, but these are the polite awards for when you come up for air and drink tea with your little finger sticking out, in polite forensic company. For when you’ve got some time to ponder and discuss the year’s achievements with colleagues over a jug of Pimms and some cucumber sandwiches.

In keeping with my record for keeping it real in the ‘hood and down with the kids I’d like to introduce the alternative awards, the ones for when you’re sweating bullets at the hexface, your workstation spitting out dongles like a chaingun,the office fluffer spraying liquid nitrogen on your writeblocker to cool it down, pausing only for an occasional biscuit. So here we go, yo – the categories and the nominations, as chosen by the Monkeytown Forensic High Command Council of Five (.i.e me sitting naked and bloodied in front of a broken mirror):

Best Forensic Tool for Driving Practitioners Out of the Field

  • Encase 7
  • FTK 4

Best Forensicator’s Aid

  • Spotify Premium
  • Being left the fuck alone
  • Being able to explain what you’re confused by to someone, until it all becomes clear and you say ‘Oh, it’s OK, I’ve got it now’.

Most Offensive Job of the Year

  • That one that jumped the queue because it got a bit of press attention, even though it was a total crock
  • That pervert who upped the depravity ante for the next couple of years
  • The one with the frivolous sentence that made even counsel wince

Most Annoying Colleague

  • The one who sings/whistles songs that you can’t even identify
  • The one who hogs all the dongles and denies having them
  • The one who puts digestives in the biscuit tin

Biggest Cuts-Related Bummer

  • Having to share ‘every-job’ dongles between four people
  • Still no training (full disclosure: I actually got a course this year!)

Biggest Air-punch Moment

  • Finding that Skype conversation in the pagefile
  • Finding pages two and three of the image search.
  • A change of plea that’s like a weight off your shoulders
  • Having something to wave in a face and say “this is why we need to grab the RAM!”

Favourite Artefact of the Year

  • Still shellbags. Lovely, lovely shellbags
  • Those wonderful Safari screenshots
  • Jumplists – the new shellbags?
  • Pagefile. Because a curry’s tastiest when it’s hot and fresh, but sometimes it’s still mighty fine when congealed and messy for breakfast.

Satisfaction of the Year

  • Showing an office noob just why the registry still makes you pull your sex-face
  • Finding that your job has been talking to a colleague’s completely unrelated job and that they’re both in it up to their eyeballs
  • Finally getting that bloody job that’s been hanging over you like a cloud of death finished.

That’s it for now – as usual, I’m sure y’all will be able to do far better so comment me up!