Bin Laden hard drive – prelim. forensic report

Posted on May 4, 2011

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Boss,

this is the preliminary report on the bin Laden job we picked up – quite a coup getting that, wasn’t it? I’m sending this email by the new super-mega-secure system that the CIA connected us to, but I’m not sure if I’m doing it right. I hope this doesn’t go out on some random blog or something when I press ‘send’ LOL !

I’ve attached an Encase screenshot of the ‘Osama’ user profile. It’s pretty self-explanatory. The CIA will probably want to keep the Haliburton thing quiet, so let me know if you want it deleted using that handy Encase LE-only ‘delete inconvenient evidence but still make the hashes match’ button that we used on all those Op Ore jobs.

Β The computer was on when it was recovered, and the user seems to have been ~4 hours into a session on ‘hotornot.com’ – he favours needy-looking emo chicks, if you’re interested.

There was a lot of email on there, mostly on AOL (if ever there was a good excuse to execute a suspect…). Most of it’s spam, sent rather than received. He was big into the herbal viagra business, and seemed to be working as a Pakistan stringer for a few of the UK car insurance companies but indications are that he found the whole thing morally repugnant.

In terms of plans, he had a few MS Paint drawings of a proposed secret volcano base somewhere in the Indian ocean, and was working on a deal with the Somali pirates so that they’d protect him from sharks and deliver Angel Delight every week.

Financial – a few bank accounts mentioned, but I’ll need a couple more days OT to get the pages back (what was the CIA’s cost code again?). He had a Paypal account and was a big eBayer. Collecting those Franklin Mint figurine things, if you can believe it! He’d just ordered their Kate Middleton portrait doll. His online shopping was pretty much restricted to that, bulk quantities of Angel Delight and pallet-loads of digestive biscuits.

Plenty of music – lots of that martial jihadi crap, but he was also a big Butthole Surfers and Cramps fan. Who knew?!? Oh, and on the subject of music – the writing about ‘bury me at sea where no murdered ghosts can haunt me’ wasn’t a last will ‘n’ testament, he was writing out the lyrics of a Pogues song for the monthly Afghan Mujahid Alumni karaoke night.

Regarding the other exhibits, I’d recommend that unless the Americans can pay for the OT, they’re just going to have to sit in the queue. There’s no risk to life (what with him being dead), so it scores pretty low on the prioritisation matrix. Do you want to tell Obama that or should I?

Hope this is useful, give me a ring if you need anything else.

Laterz,

Monkey

Posted in: Monkeytown leaks