CLASSIFICATION: VEWY VEWY SECWET (NOT EVEN YOUR MUM)
this is the list of specialist tools and techniques that are available to Monkeytown Cyber Ninja Deathsquad Cadre. I hope that this document doesn’t get leaked like that report on the bin Laden forensic analysis I did or that new stuff from GCHQ!
Don’t treat this like a catalogue. If you don’t see it here, it doesn’t mean we can’t download 30-day demos from the internet then wait eight months while Procurement figures out how to buy something with a credit card.
|ANGRY DRAGON||is a tool that covertly monitors nominals who don’t take their turn making brews, and gives them ebola.|
|RUSTY TROMBONE||is a tool that will randomly shift jobs from Queue A into Queue B and vice versa. This can be done during conversations about the queues, for maximum bafflement.|
|HUNGRY HIPPO||is a tool that reads the overnight report and auto-sends a nobbing-off email to any incidents that will generate a spurious submission just to tick a box.|
|SHATNER’S BASSOON||uses next-gen compression algorithms to keep your report document just below the paltry size limit imposed by the crime management system.|
|WOOKIE’S FINGER||AI that trawls Facebook and anticipates the next spurious crock that someone will ring in about despite it being nothing to do with anybody but the parties involved.|
|FUZZY MONKEY||is a covert, untraceable packet analyser that sits on the Command and Control network and kills any attempt to divert jobs to us just because the caller used the word ‘computer’.|
|HEDGEHOG||low-level USB interrorgator that asks dongles if they’re planning on magically disappearing for no reason in the near future, and kicks them in the balls if they are.|
|WIZARD’S SLEEVE||modified heuristic form of FUZZY MONKEY that analyses Force comms traffic to detect when an urgent job is about to come our way, then gives us one hour’s warning instead of 1 minute at 1600hrs.|
|PIRATE BATH||heuristic packet analysis tool with payload. Scans the Monkeytown backbone for people about to download filth, whereupon it makes their phone dial their mum’s number.|
|DONKEY PUNCH||covert phone app that attaches to teenage OCG members’ phones and subliminally teaches them basic literacy while they sleep. Designed to make future keyword searches more effective.|
|OOH MATRON||covert phone app that installs on any phone geolocated within a prison. The phone then shouts ‘I’ve got a phone’ at full voume. Audio is optimised to penetrate beyond the human rectum.|
|GOAT HARPOON||infiltrates key-cabinet tracker and detects who’s lying about not having a car to lend us|
This isn’t an exhautive list, but I hope it gives you an idea.