This post was inspired by a Twitter conversation with the most excellent @forensication, whose dog I once helped rescue when it went missing in the Bronx.
Our job can be a thankless one sometimes. You slog your guts out for tens or hundreds of monkey-hours, churning through the foetid sludge of someone else’s brain-wrong, and at the end it often just…vanishes. Sometimes there’s a trial or the threat of one, sometimes you’re asked to go to the sentencing by the judge, but most of the time you talk the OiC through your report, send the encryption key and never hear about it again until you bump into him in the canteen two years later. I’m not saying that I want daily updates by carrier pigeon, but it’d be nice to be kept in the loop of what happens to the jobs – it helps keep an interest, y’know?
So with this in mind, I’ve created the following form for suspects to fill in after conviction. This one’s for indecent images jobs, but there’ll be others for other jobs. Maybe. One day. OK, I’ll admit it – the perverts are easier to mine for cathartic lolz.
Form HT-666 – Client Satisfaction Questionnaire (Indecent Images)
Dear [sex offender’s name here],
We appreciate that you’re busy settling into your new life as a pariah, but we at Monkeytown HTCU would be very grateful if you could take a few minutes out of your day to answer some questions. This will help us to identify any problems with our processes and streamline proceedings for those who will follow.
- Were you able to understand the content of the report?
-  Yes
-  No
-  There was a report? Sorry, I was self-abusing a lot at that time.
- Is there any filth that we didn’t find?
-  No, you even found the really vile stuff that I thought I’d lost!
-  Yes (please give details on continuation sheet A)
- Were there any exhibits that the search team failed to find? If so, were these:
-  In the water tank in the loft
-  Under a pile of stiff tissues in the masturbatorium
-  Wedged between your buttocks
-  In the garden pond
-  Other (please specify)
- If you understood the report, was there anything you disagreed with?
-  We made you look bad
-  We didn’t give you any wiggle-room
- Do you actually understand that what you’ve done is serious and rightly despised by a civilised, compassionate society?
-  No! They all wanted it. And it’s only images. And they’re foreign anyway.
-  I have no sense of right or wrong and laugh at anyone who does.
-  Yes, I genuinely do and am genuinely sorry.
- Do you have any sense of remorse for putting the forensic analyst through the unpleasantness of looking through all of your filth?
-  None. He probably enjoyed it, because everyone is just like me.
-  Who? Other people exist who aren’t me? Yeah, right.
-  Now you come to mention it, yeah. I do feel kinda bad for him having to go home every night with that in his head.
- Are you going to be doing it again?
-  Hell yeah! Book me a slot for $sentence minus 33% for an early guilty plea!
-  No, I’ve confronted myself and am determined to reform.
-  I am incapable of thinking beyond the next fap.
- Do you feel any embarrassment at stringing out a risible defence – that even your own expert laughed at – for 6 months before rolling over on the day of the trial?
-  Nope, I have no shame. I dribbled away a few grand of taxpayer’s money, but that’s my RIGHT, dammit!
-  I did feel a bit silly. I was expecting the judge to ask ‘What, had you forgotten you’d done it?’
-  Hey, everyone loves a trier!