Wikileaks: The Monkeytown Diaries

Posted on August 10, 2010


Following up on their publication of thousands of leaked files relating to the war in

Wikileak's Julian Assange

Afghanistan, Wikileaks have scored another coup in their war against government secrecy. An unknown source in Monkeytown Constabulary has been slowly leaking data to the online whistle-blowing service, and some of the documents can be revealed here for the first time. The original plan was for Happy as a Monkey, The Guardian, Der Spiegel and the New York Times to release simultaneously but the others backed out, leaving it down to me. You can’t silence the Truth, Thatcher!

Names and other identifying information have been redacted, to protect people on the ground. The leaks encompass many thousands of documents which we at Monkey Towers are still sifting through. Here’s the first batch:

Monkeytown Constabulary
Intelligence Report: CONFIDENTIAL
Grading: A/1/5
Source: Multiple
Date: Daily, from 1875

Report begins:

Intelligence indicates that the job’s fucked.

Report ends



From: Commander, Department of Big Jobs
To: Monkey, HTCU
Date:  20/02/2009
Re: Trousers

Please be advised that your request to adopt ‘pantsless working patterns’ has been rejected.  You do not have the right to work without trousers under the Employment Act 2002, and your fraudulent claim to have such a right possibly constitutes an offence (obtaining trouserly advantage by deception).

Furthermore, it has come to my attention that you are claiming to be a member of the Knights Templar in your statements. Please desist. You’re far too pretty for prison.


From: Chief Inquisitor, 2010 Budgets Executive Sanction Kommando
To: Commander, Department of Big Jobs
Date: 03/08/2010
Re: HTCU/Dog Section Merger

Thank you for your suggestion that the HTCU be merged with the Dog Section.  In times of financial crisis (did I say crisis? I meant ‘excitement’.  Please forgive me)  such as these it is reassuring to see that we are all thinking outside the box to make the job work with the dwindling resources on offer. While your idea is not without merit, I do take issue with one or two of the details:

  • My colleagues inform me that dogs cannot be trained to categorise indecent images. Apart from the welfare issue (and I would be grateful if you can suggest a way to offer counselling to an Alsation), there is the technical problem of how a dog would hold the mouse – without opposable thumbs, it’s pretty much buggered. Additionally, a Police dog is too highly trained and specialised to have its time wasted on this sort of donkey-work. I suggest you approach the Donkey Section with this one.
  • I understand your frustration at the HTCU’s constant demands for a vehicle, but using dogs is not an appropriate solution. In the first instance, you would have to replace your existing staff with dwarves capable of saddling up a German Shepherd (the dog, not a Teutonic pastoralist) and in the second, not one member of the HTCU is under the official weight recommendations of the British DogSled Association.
  • Please don’t ever mention cross-breeding computer forensic analysts with dogs again, even if it would produce a ‘race of half-geek, half-dog super-beings that could literally sniff out digital evidence’.

That’s all for now – we’re still sifting through the logs here. If any readers have similar leaks from their employers that they’d like to share, post ’em in the comments. (Note that I shouldn’t have to write but, sadly, probably do for the benefit of PSD: I’m not really soliciting internal documents from police officers and staff, it’s just a joke.)

Monkeytown Police: I'm Lovin' It

Posted in: Monkeytown leaks