A Pantheon for Computer Forensics

Posted on July 3, 2010


It’s become clear to me that the world has gone downhill since monotheism took over. Look back a millennium or two and the religious landscape seems a lot healthier – everyone had lots of gods, and a far healthier relationship with them. Also, gods back in those days were fun. Taking the Greeks, Romans and Vikings as an example, the deities were absolute horrors – fornicating, carousing, plotting, murdering, playing pranks. It was all so much healthier than the staid situation we have today, where people seem to take their gods far too seriously and do the most horrible things over the slightest perceived insult to $deity. The olde folke knew that their gods were, by and large, a bunch of tossers – it was soap opera in the heavens, the gods were very fallible and people could relate to them.

Anyhoo… get off that soapbox, Monkey – remember what the magistrate said after that incident with the wicker man at the church fête. Forensics can be a tiring, stressful, fraught business and I think we need a bit of help from beyond the clouds. With this in mind, I’d like to offer a cast of gods for forensics. Feel free to add your own in the comments, and remember – if we honour them, they’ll become real! You’ll need a place in your office set aside as a shrine, but the gods themselves can be represented by any figurine – Star Wars figures, vendors’ promotional toys, even a blob-man you make yourself out of blu-tack.

Klik-Klik-Skreek – God of dying hard disks

Klik-Klik-Skreek is a trickster god, never happier than when ruining a forensicator’s day. You’ll have just attached an old, manky looking disk to your writeblocker and started to have a little mooch around while it’s acquiring…suddenly you see the smoking gun, a rich seam of evidence that will drive the job home and make you look great. You go to bookmark it and as soon as you do…Klik-Klik-Skreek has wiggled his way into the cylinders, and the disk starts making those horrible noises. Will it acquire? Are the heads chewing through the platters like a chainsaw through cheese? You need to set aside a section of your desk for a figurine of K-K-S and offer him regular gifts of whisky and taramasalata and maybe – just maybe – he’ll let you work and even intercede with Dead-Duck (see below) on your behalf.

Indecidio – God of juries

Indecidio can be represented as a head with twelve faces, each with its own personality. Only six of these faces can be awake at any one time, and the ones who are awake must each give a slightly different account of what they have just heard to the ones who were asleep. Of the six who are awake, one must be alwys be picking its nose with no attempt at concealment, while another must have its mouth open in a gaping, vacant expression at all times.
Indecidio demands tribute in the form of platters of expensive lunch foods, with Marks and Spencers offerings bringing particular favour.

Dead-Duck – Lord of the Underworld, Keeper of Dead Disks

Dead-Duck is a fearsome-looking god, resembling a giant baboon wearing a necklace made of hard drive platters that he ripped from the casings with his long, pointy fingers. According to legend, Dead-Duck was cast out of the heavens after a falling out over whether putting a dead disk in a freezer was a viable option or just stupid. For this reason, his realm is shaped like a fridge’s freezer compartment, complete with ice mountains with ancient ice lollies sticking out of them. He has been known to return disks from the dead on occasion, but should not be summoned lightly – he is just as likely to run amok in your office and take every disk with him.

Can’t-Pullem – the god of jammed cables

This deity lurks in old computer cases and demands blood sacrifice before he will alow a cable to be unjammed. His favourite sort of blood is from the knuckles, and offerings must be accompanied by a litany of grunting and foul swearing.

Chalk-striped Bastard

the god of barristers. This is another trickster god, who likes nothing more than to keep you waiting around a purgatorial realm of lost souls before sending you home. He can be placated with flattery but will seldom deign to listen to the words of a mere mortal. Ritual garb is a chalk-striped suit and horsehair wig.

Backloggus – Keeper of Lists, Lord of the Backlog

This is an immensely powerful deity,who can control the running of a whole office. Fickle and wrathful, he will remain calm for months before suddenly growing huge and attracting lots of attention. Can be appeased with that most valuable sacrifice, overtime.

Restydayo – god of overtime

Ostenibly a cheerful, happy god, Restydayo has the power to slyly divide offices and cause conflict and envy. Good runs of overtime need to offer tribute in the form of a good office pissup to honour Restdayo and maintain good relations.

Posted in: Forensics