People are strange. I don’t think I’m making any grand revelation by pointing that out, but I do feel that when you rummage inside people’s computers on a daily basis, you get a unique insight into the spirals of strangeness that exist inside the human head.
Nowhere is this more true than in Google search terms. I know that I use Google for the simplest question these days: “should I have another pickled egg” is one occasion where it fails to give me an answer, which I’ll take as an affirmative. Nom. There’s good comedy to be had in the things that people ask the Internet though – the genius at XKCD realised this a couple of years ago and whoever’s collating the weirder side of Yahoo Answers is certainly sitting on a rich seam of freakery.
Anyway. I asked y’all a couple of days ago if you could provide me with some lolzy Google search terms that you’ve either encountered in work or through referrers on websites that you run, and you came up trumps. What follows are mostly your submissions, mixed up and randomised. Enjoy.
- ‘buttocks’, ‘bacon’ and ‘candle’ (not a search term, but apparently they all had to be used in a single sentence of a statement)
- “sexual depravity”
- Atari porn
- baboon kilt
- barry gibb lookalikes
- bursting spots videos
- busty polish girls on roofs
- cutiespankee password
- dffrent hulls and the force it takes to move a boat at the same
- Does David like bitty (for those not familiar with the term, ‘bitty’ was coined by the ‘Little Britain’ TV show: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l8orUaCJ0GY)
- drinkable monkey piss
- eskimo porn
- Flesh coloured punkture kit
- hit headlines peodofile dwarf dressed as clown in young childs rom
- how not to break in police interrogation
- how to dress up a dog like a bee
- how to know if my girlfriend is shagging a dutchman
- how to make my girlfrend be a paranered scitsafrenick
- i want a blow job i live in gosport
- im inocent indecent pictures
- ladies who show privats
- lesbian winamp skins
- make the jury on your side in court
- milton keynes bukkake
- My girlfriend fell out with me when the Dreamcast flopped
- Vegetarian sex house london
- warehouse of sex jet set bittorrent
- What is the best way to calm yourself down
- will my boyfriend go with a prostitute in amsterdam’s red light district
- women wearing buttplug in supermarket
I’m sure you’ve all got some you’re withholding, so stick ’em in the comments.
7
May 14, 2010
Whew! I’ve only done a search for 1 of the items on your list. (Purely for scholarly research purposes of course.)
You do realize that now all of the people doing these weird searches will now be finding your site, right?
happyasamonkey
May 14, 2010
Hey, if it brings me traffic I’m fine with that. As long as they wash their hands first.
ITauditSecurity
May 15, 2010
I’ll have to dig to find a good search term for you. People are nuts. What people do on computers is just stupid.
I like your different perspective on forensics, so I’ve added a link to your blog on my Computer Forensics links page. Keep up the humorous work.
happyasamonkey
May 15, 2010
Working in this field has made me very paranoid – I can’t Google anything without wondering how it’d look to someone forensicing my machine, no matter how innocuous it may be.
Glad you like the blog, anyway.
Neil E Dunne
May 15, 2010
It took me several looks to work out what the word “paranered” in “paranered scitsafrenick” was – clearly I wasn’t thinking in “yoof speek” !! That reminded me of the great Billy Butler and the “Potato” radio phone-in (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mz_d79oqpuE)
I have also noticed that your site is now self promoting….
Possibly related posts: (automatically generated)
◦Request for Data: Google Searches
◦Inside the mind of the monkey
◦Forensic Readiness Planning
Keep up the good work, or if you don’t then maybe your site will even become automatically generated !!
happyasamonkey
May 15, 2010
All the terms I used were printed exactly as they were sent to me – they’re pretty literate, on the whole. I find it very difficult to read yoof speak, and it plays hell with keyword searches.
Hadn’t noticed that about my ‘possibly relateds’ 🙂 Maybe WordPress is just trying to keep me from polluting the rest of the platform with my crap? It’d be good if posts would auto-generate though…
DivideByZero
May 18, 2010
I guess one of the funnier searches I found during an investigation is: –
“How do I get kidney stones?”
Seriously, you want to search on how to get them?
Another was: –
spelin lesuns
A read of his l33t txt spk really did reveal “spelin lesuns” were needed.
happyasamonkey
May 18, 2010
Spelling rears its head again – I honestly do think that illiteracy is one of the big problems facing DF. That and kidney stones.
DivideByZero
May 18, 2010
It certainly doesn’t help when performing searches….
Makes you wonder what is taught in schools these days…
Seems who ever came up with the three R’s couldn’t spell either 😉
Andy
May 19, 2010
“Can sharks come out of bath taps?” is one of the weirder ones I’ve seen.
happyasamonkey
May 19, 2010
That is kinda weird.
So, erm…can they?
Andy
May 20, 2010
The results were inconclusive. I only shower now just to be on the safe side.
happyasamonkey
May 20, 2010
Your prudence is an example to us all.
G Thompson
May 24, 2010
Popehat, one of my favourite and ok, I admit, strange law blogs I read (hey it’s in America the law is always stranger there ;0 ) has every month or so a post called “Road to popehat” in which they analyse the many varied ways that people find their site via Google.
The above is why I encrypt all my google searches using rot13. That and you get some freaky answers that way!! 😉
happyasamonkey
May 24, 2010
There are some crackers on there, aren’t there? ‘Pictures of mental boobs’ is particularly resonant.
A confused miner working in a Sausage factory
June 10, 2010
what’s a foof had me guessing for a little while
happyasamonkey
June 10, 2010
So erm…what is a foof?
A confused miner working in a Sausage factory
June 11, 2010
Rather than taint this post further a trip to the urban dictionary is in order.
happyasamonkey
June 11, 2010
Ah! So that’s a foof!