Election Special

Posted on May 5, 2010

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As readers in the UK may have noticed, a general election is upon us. It’s quite an exciting one as these things go, because this time it’s a genuine three-horse race. The present incumbents, New Labour, are bloated and replete from suckling on the crack pipe of power for 14 years, and they’re slinking off to their subterranean  lagoon like a whipped and humiliated Gollum.  Their lack of give-a-toss was exemplified by Gordon Brown’s slumped resignation on hearing the ‘Bigotgate’ tape. John Prescott would have ran from the studio and punched the woman in the face, but we’re beyond those days now:

Anyway, that’s enough of the serious stuff – you don’t come here for reasoned political debate, do you? No, you come for the sarcastic lolz with a hint of forensic in-joke geekery. So without further ado, I’d like to present to the political parties a list of demands from the Computer Forensics community, which will win our vote. (You don’t mind me putting myself forward as UK spokesman, do you? No, I thought you wouldn’t).

  • A rum ration. The Royal Navy subjugated half of the world on a bucket of rum a day, so I think it’s worth a go. It’ll probably help us to tackle the backlogs. Or something. The odd lash wouldn’t go amiss, but feel free to skip the sodomy part of the naval triptych.
  • All legislation that Peter Mandelson had anything to do with is to be buried at a crossroads, wrapped in silver, with a stake through its heart. Along with Mandelson.
  • The Digital Economy Bill is to be re-written by someone who has seen an internet at some point, and maybe even used one. And who has never met with entertainment industry chiefs on their yachts.
  • Dr Ben Goldacre to be made Minster for Science
  • Overtime is to be available on demand
  • Police High Tech Crime Units are to be refitted with stylish, comfy chairs.
  • Under the Monkey Police Reform Bill, computer forensics geeks will be allowed to push to the front of the canteen queue
  • Putting digestives in the biscuit tin to be punishable by life imprisonment
  • Anyone suggesting that forensic analysts categorise images will be sent to the penal colonies
  • Police HTCUs will be equipped with vans. Big, sexy vans with tons of kit in them, and swivelling domes on the roof. And jeeps.
  • Any forensic monkey will be compensated at 10x their hourly rate for each hour wasted in court. To come out of the judge and barristers’ pockets.
  • Forensic software manufacturers will have to submit their licensing methods to a panel of practitioners, to check the level of annoyance. Anything rating over 3 on the Fuckingdongles Scale will be returned for further development.
  • Microsoft will be forced to stop releasing new versions of Windows until we’ve all caught up.
  • Facebook will be forced not only to have the CEOP button, but to employ a Law Enforcement liaison on in the UK. We’ll pay their salary, all they have to do is give her a desk and the contacts.

OK, that should do it for now. Add your suggestions in the comments below. And remember, as they say in Zimbabwe – Vote early, and vote often!

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