The Monkey is busy this weekend so he let me, his uncle, create tonight’s post for you.
This post is a bit of a departure from my nephew’s usual gibbering but I couldn’t turn down the chance to deny you, his trusted readers, this opportunity.
As many of you will know, Monkey is a highly respected forensic computer analyst for a UK police force. As such, his reputation is one of unimpeachable integrity. I ask you to view my own person with the same respect you would afford his.
Whilst performing a forensic analysis on the computer of a recently-deceased major drugs baron recently, Monkey came across the details of the villian’s offshore bank accounts. These are funds that he had kept secret from his associates and family, and they total $57 million. This drugs baron, a very wicked and venal underworld figure who was suspected of being responsible for a number of murders, was himself killed in a highly suspicious accident while on safari in West Africa.
His family are an infamous nest of devious ne’er-do-wells, who would surely spend the monies on debauched living and enlarging their criminal empire – I know that as respected forensic practitioners, this would be abhorrent to you. It is clear to me that Monkey is the only person with access to the details of these accounts, so if I do not take action it will simply lie in a bank until the end of time. I propose that my nephew and I use the funds to set up a charitable trust for aiding the convalescence of forensic practitioners horribly maimed in Fastbloc 3 power supply explosions.
It is for this reason that I am approaching you, respected readers. I need to move the monies out of the West African bank accounts, and for this I need an account in the West where it can rest for a while. For this small service I am willing to offer 10% of the total – $5.7 million (Liberian)!
Time is of the essence in this matter, so please forward to Monkey your bank account number and sort code as soon as possible. For security reasons please also include in your email your mother’s maiden name, or the last 4 digits of your social security number if you are in the US.
Please hurry! Time is short!
Happy as a Lemur (the Monkey’s Uncle)