In a cynical attempt to jump on the bandwagon created by Apple’s move into the sanitary product market, I’d like to offer a Monkey’s eye view of what it would look like if Apple entered the computer forensics field.
- The writeblocker, iBlock, would only image at 1 mb/s and would have a non-replacable internal battery with a 12-month lifespan. When everyone who was going to buy one had done so, they’d release an iBlock ‘s’ – this writes at a speed approaching the commercial standard but still has the battery problem. Apple dismiss this as a ‘false negativity point by uncreative people’ and sue anyone publicly criticising it.
- The software imaging tool, iMage, would only create .aef (Apple Evidence File) images. This is a proprietary format that only Apple products can read or create. It wouldn’t be able to compress data, and would only store one item of metadata. Although marketed in a cutesy, hip, fluffy, anti-corporate way, any attempt to open the format would be met by an annihilating swarm of lawyers, screaming out of the cloudless California sky like a squadron of Stukas, complete with a court-ordered press blackout. aef files can only be read if stored on an Apple-branded hard drive. Plugging this drive into a workstation other than your own would delete all of the files on it.
- A clause in the .aef DRM licence would stipulate that any data acquired in it becomes the property of Apple, which they would rent back to the investigating authority. The upside of this would be that Steve Jobs would be imprisoned indefinitely for being the biggest ever possessor of indecent images of children. Whilst in prison he would develop the iShiv, a piece of white shiny plastic sharpened to a vicious point, perfect for passing from palm to palm in the exercise yard; and a new smaller iPhone that he could hide between his scrawny buttocks during a cell search. This would come with an app for working out the price of any given commodity in a cigarette-based currency.
- The forensic analysis suite, iNalyse, would only work with .aef files. Although it would have a cute interface, the software would actually do very little. All of the messy behind-the-scenes hex and filesystem info would be hidden and any files that were shown to the analyst would be converted into an equivalent Apple format first – for example any photo collections the suspect had would be converted into iPhoto databases, and all videos would become Quicktime files. This would, of course, render them evidentially worthless but it’d make the end user experience far more in line with the Apple way of doing things.
- The whole collection would be launched by Steve Jobs in front of an audience vetted by Apple’s Department of User Sycophancy. Although Jobs would fail to make any useful remarks, his every word would be lapped up and cooed over by his followers. The BBC would report breathlessly on the whole event with no attempt at balance, and their whole Technology reporting team would then ritually sacrifice their credibility on a shiny white plastic altar, in exchange for continued access to Apple press events. Following this, every story involving computer forensics would only mention the Apple tools, as if they had invented the field.
- An intensely irritating TV ad campaign would follow, with ‘iForensics’ represented by some disgusting hipster and’traditional’ forensics by Idi Amin.
Let the hate-mail commence.
The Good Shepherd
April 5, 2010
Very amusing and well written… your brain must have worked ‘overtime’ on this one, you’ve clearly had this one flashing in and out of your crazy mind for sometime!!! However, for the benefit of the hate mail senders, I know nothing about the author, am not connected with him/her in any way and I know someone who owns a ‘Mac’ [does that count!!???]
happyasamonkey
April 5, 2010
It was actually quite a quick one – did most of it on Saturday night and the rest this morning. I know what nasty jibe you’re making though, and you’ll live to regret it. For the benefit of the rabid Mac fanbois out there, ‘The Good Shepherd’ put me up to this post and I can provide his full details on request.
rage
April 5, 2010
LOLOL. so true
CyberSpeak-Ovie
April 6, 2010
Absolutely Brilliant. I love it. And I apologize about the mispronunciation of your name on this weeks CyberSpeak. It accidentally came out on the podcast as “Happy Ass Monkey”. mea culpa…Ovie
happyasamonkey
April 6, 2010
Glad you like it, and no problem about the name – in fact if I could change my WordPress title, I’d do so. The only question is whether it’d be Happyass Monkey or Happy Ass-monkey.
Tom
April 6, 2010
That is the funniest thing I’ve read all month! Thank you 🙂
dc0de
April 6, 2010
There is nothing wrong with this post, I think it is the most perfect vision of apples’ future foray into the forensics market.
happyasamonkey
April 6, 2010
I thought so too. I’m surprised at the lack of angry responses so far though. I’ll have to troll harder next time.
George
April 6, 2010
you are on the hipsters blacklist for sure
happyasamonkey
April 6, 2010
Damn, just as my ironic facial hair was ready to be revealed to the world…
Nik
April 6, 2010
As you have now clearly leaked Apple’s intellectual property, are we to assume the site will soon be shutdown by a the Apple Rabid Response Legal Team?!
Absolutely superb, and *so* true…!
happyasamonkey
April 6, 2010
‘Rabid Response Legal Team’ – love that 🙂
Artist in Residence
April 6, 2010
You want a rabid, Apple Fanboy retaliation?!
Tough, I’m not a fanboy, although I do like Macs an awful lot. I hate the hipster fanboys though, I just want to shave off their ‘kooky’ A-line fringes.
happyasamonkey
April 6, 2010
There are far too many reasonable responses to this post – I was expecting a mighty flamewar!
Neil E Dunne
April 7, 2010
Monkey, Oh Monkey, In the words of the mighty Meatloaf “You took the words right of my mouth” (but there was no kissing on this occasion). My pieces were titles “If Encase did Computer Forensics” and “If Accessdata did Computer Forensics”. Worthy pieces I am sure, but not to be outdone, I am now working on my literary classic “If Managers Understood Computer Forensics” – I am sure it will be a winner. !!
happyasamonkey
April 7, 2010
Do it! The CF world needs more sarcastic piss-taking. We all take ourselves far too seriously.
Neil E Dunne
April 7, 2010
You know, wise Monkey, you are right…..we do need some more sarcastic piss-taking, and as I am not one of the “Who’s best here and why am I” brigade, I will get typing…as soon as I can find a Manager to question about CF…..now that shouldn’t take too long…..
happyasamonkey
April 8, 2010
Good for you. Don’t forget to dupe him into some really ridiculous quotes.
Craig Ball
April 8, 2010
This was so well done,and on target. Laughed out loud to the point of people coming in to check on me. Thanks!
happyasamonkey
April 8, 2010
Glad you enjoyed it – keep reading!
Kylara
April 11, 2010
Hah hah, I loved it! I ended up sharing this with all the other “Computer Gurus” I currently work with in the government sector. It is now plastered all over everyone’s cubicles in the cube farm!
happyasamonkey
April 11, 2010
Fantastic! Spread the word of Monkey!
Glenn
April 13, 2010
Wow, an aimbot couldn’t have targeted that any better 🙂
There really needs to be some kind of Forensic Humor award given away at one of the forensic conferences. I think this would be a finalist!!! I’m going to have to visit this site from now on 🙂 Thanks for the laugh.
happyasamonkey
April 14, 2010
Glad you liked it. If anyone wants to nominate me for an award and fly me out to a cool conference location, that’s fine by me 🙂
Squirtybeetle
April 21, 2010
Damn I love this!!,
Only too true of Apple and of FTK, what a hoot!!. Never in the field of Computer Forensics has so few caused so much pain to so many.!!!
Pls do the CF Manager thing, it’s like screaming from inside sound-proof tupperware in this field.!!
happyasamonkey
April 21, 2010
There are so many targets, so little time…
I try to blog about stuff loosely based on my experience and, so far, all the managers I’ve had in this field have been pretty good. OK, they may know nothing about CF but they acknowledge that and are willing to be informed by us. Pity really, there would’ve been some good lolz in it.
Scott
May 13, 2010
Now if they only had “iScripting” features, you know a proprietary programming language only used by iNalyse to do things like automate the email and web history reviews.
Revan
February 21, 2011
reminiscent of “What if Mr Data ran on MS Windows?” from back in the ’90s.