Report in the style of…Fairytales

Posted on February 22, 2010

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I read two versions of Snow White to Daughter of Monkey tonight, each very different. The first was close to the Brothers Grimm version with all its envy, murder and Teutonic forest themes intact, while the other was a Disneyfied confection dripping with bourgeois notions of romantic love, female enslavement and the exploitation of craven class-traitor PORGs.

After reading the stories I poured myself a drink and, as often happens when a drink is poured, I started to become inspired. Fairy tales are easy-to-follow stories packed with meaning on as many levels as the reader wishes to venture, that often follow a recognisable structure. Perfect, I thought, for adaptation into a forensic computer analysis report! To misquote Alfred Hitchcock: “I never said lawyers were like children, I said that they should be treated like children” – maybe packaging reports in this format will help ensure that they at least get read.  I give you the latest in my series ‘Making Reports More Fun‘:

Happy Monkey and the Wicked Indecent Image Distributor

You need the report by this weekend? You'd better know how to weave your 'tache into gold then, cos that's gonna need overtime!

Once upon a time there lived a forensic computer analyst called Happy Monkey. He was so poor that he had to drink rancid vinegar from Bargain Booze, but he worked hard and was loved and respected by his colleagues. Especially the women.

One day – the 12th of December 2009 at 1530hrs, if memory serves – a Grim-Faced Detective came down from the mountain with an exhibit for Happy Monkey. Happy Monkey welcomed him into his humble office, then signed exhibit label GFD/1 and booked the exhibit into the secure store, before offering a delicious meal of fresh ale and rabbit stew. After the Grim-Faced Detective had stuffed his guts and talked about his pension for a while, Happy Monkey bade him farewell.

That night, just before going home where to Mrs Monkey and all the little monkeys eagerly awaited his return, Happy Monkey and his chipmunk helper broke unique seal D45628 and removed the exhibit from the clear plastic bag. Happy Monkey clapped his hands with delight as he noted that the exhibit comprised an unbadged black tower computer with two SATA hard disk drives inside, now designated GFD/1/1 and GFD/1/2! Happy Monkey whistled a merry tune as he removed both of the drives and attached them each to a Tableau write-blocker, whereupon he began imaging them both in FTK Imager version 2.6.1. After tucking the disks up for the night, he skipped merrily home where a meagre bowl of gruel and mouse droppings awaited him.

The following day, Happy Monkey gambolled gaily through the meadows and in to the office to begin his analysis in Encase version 6.14 with the help of all the birds and animals from the forest (statements to follow). It soon became clear that the owner of the computer, an evil troll from under the bridge, had been using it to download and distribute vile images and videos using Limewire – 784 files, to be exact, across categories 1 to 5! The details of these horrible items can be found in Appendix A. The troll’s fate was sealed by the fact that he’d even downloaded videos while writing an email to his boss troll, and further evidence was found in the form of Limewire search terms in the swap file – shame on him!

The wicked troll entered a guilty plea at the earliest opportunity and was sentenced to 3 months in prison, where he was flayed alive by badgers. Upon hearing this news all the creatures in the forest held a party for Happy Monkey and bought him some quality booze, and they all lived happily ever after.

This post was brought to you with the help of a Vega Rioja (no year given). Slightly sharper and simpler than I’d like of a Rioja, with tobacco hints under summer fruit. Pleasant enough but not particularly memorable.

I’ve set up a Last.FM account for Happyasamonkey, so you can see what musical inspiration I had by looking over there <waves hand vaguely towards the right hand column of the page>.