Report in the Style of…The Daily Mail

Those of you who know me – and you won’t even know that you know me, because I’m a super-secret covert bloggeur – will know that I have reasonably strong feelings towards the Daily Mail newspaper. My feelings are that it’s a vile, hate-filled spittoon of misanthropy and hypocrisy. I refer to it amongst my friends as ‘Fear and Loathing in Middle England’. If you’re from outside the UK and have never read it, and feel the urge to see what I’m making all this fuss about, please visit their website with Adblock on so that you don’t earn them any money.

So with that out of the way, here is the next instalment of my series ‘Making Reports More Fun‘. I give you: A report in the style of the Daily Mail.

Police Examine Computers of Immigrant Swan-Eating Ring

Experts (whose identities we’re suspiciously vague about) slammed Government immigration policy yesterday after a computer was delivered to the offices of the Computer Investigation Unit by DC 666 Sarah JONES at 1030 hours.

Introduction

Blonde DC Jones, a shapely mother of two who should have been at home with her children, seized the computer during a search of premises occupied by IMMIGRANT and ASYLUM SEEKER as part of an investigation into the organised eating of the Queen’s swans by asylum seekers, in an attempt to lower house prices and cosy up to Europe. The search followed intelligence from a bloke in the pub whose mate saw it happen once.

DC Jones wasn’t assisted by politically correct homosexual PCSOs, but we’ll mention them anyway just to plant the association in your mind. If they existed, they would probably have been standing powerless while a paedophile raided a school, because of health and safety regulations.

The remit of this analysis is therefore to ascertain whether the exhibit contains evidence relating to the following offences:

• The organised eating of swans (which belong to the Queen and only she’s allowed to eat them, according to the Tasty Swans Act 1657)
• Being foreign (under the Ban This Filth Act 1998)
• Withholding from sleazy newspapers titillating speculation about the private lives of anyone in the public eye, when any right-thinking person can see that it’s a critical issue of freedom of the press  (Max Mosley Act 2008)

Additionally the analysis is to highlight any photographs of totty in their underwear, which we’ll print under some pretext while simultaneously tutting over declining moral standards.

Analysis

At 1200 hours on the same day, the hard drive was imaged and its contents categorised by a mathematically random process into two groups: files that cure cancer and files that cause cancer. Each file was then linked to a randomly chosen postgraduate student’s research paper, which on closer inspection turns out to say nothing about the file or its properties.

The reports in Appendix A are taken from an Encase ‘timeline’ view of modified, accessed and created times of files on the computer. These reports clearly show that a user of the computer:

• is habitually awake after 2200hrs, which is a definite sign that he’s up to no good
• is often away from the computer during daylight hours, which is prime swan-hunting time
• started playing an mp3 music file at 1052hrs on the 11th of November 2009. If this file had been played twice in its entirety at high volume in a large canyon, the  echoes would possibly not have subsided until several seconds into the 2-minute silence to mark Armistice Day, in a deliberate snub to our war dead. (Please see page 12 for long-lens photos we took of distraught relatives at a military funeral. One of the widows is quite a stunner behind the tears so we’ve got a half-page spread of her!)

Conclusion

This report shows that the principle user of the computer is a wrong’un in too many ways to bother going into. Just take it from us, he looks shifty and he’s after your daughter. And I swear I could smell swan on his breath. Our advice in this matter is to stay in your house with all doors and windows locked, and don’t trust anyone. You just don’t know who’s out there these days, but you can be sure that they’re up to no good.

Should any further information be required, please contact us in writing and we’ll delete this report from our website and claim it was maliciously misinterpreted by the liberal-homosexual-feminist establishment and BBC.

Heil Hitler!

Nom nom nom! I vill smear ze svan blut over my immigrant buzzums!

See also:
The Daily Quail

The Daily Mail Oncological Ontology Project: A blog following the Daily Mail’s ongoing mission to divide all the inanimate objects in the world into those that cause or cure cancer.

Posted in: Reports